CHURCH OF ENGLAND LITURGY FOR THE HOLY STATE OF MATRIMONY, 2019

Philip M. in England thinks Robert Locke is going to win his bet with me that human-animal marriage will be legal in at least one state of the Union by 2020. Indeed, Phillip foresees a similar future in England, where they really know how to do these things right.

CHURCH OF ENGLAND LITURGY FOR THE UNION OF MAN AND BEAST IN THE HOLY STATE OF MATRIMONY, AS AGREED AT LAMBETH CONFERENCE 2019 A.D.

THIS LITURGICAL TEXT HAS BEEN APPROVED BY THE MOST HOLY GRAND AYATOLLA OF CANTERBURY AS FULLY SHARIA-COMPLIANT.

Vicar: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of Cod to join together this man and this beast in a state of Holy Mackerel.

Congregants: Thanks be to Cod.

Priest: In the Book of Numbers we are shown how the Lord deepened the relationship between Balaam and his donkey through giving his donkey the gift of speech. Today, the Lord offers Man and Beast a similar deepening of their relationship through the gift of a holy loving union. Just as Balaam was asked, “But have I not served thee faithfully to this very day, have I ever failed thee?” by his devoted ass, so the mystery of marriage asks us to serve another’s needs in a faithful union* to the best of our abilities.

(*”Faithful union” may be replaced by “stable union” if at least one of the couple is a manger-domiciled beast, or resides in a semi-permanent structure containing hay whose primary purpose is the rearing of livestock, for at least six months a year.)

As the rings are brought forward, all cloven-hooved congregants are invited to chew grass while ruminating on the mystery of the three-in one-stomach of the Holy Bovinity.

Congregants: Thanks be to Cud.

Priest: Do you both promise to love each other and care for each other in sickness and in hoof, for better and for walks, for richer and for paw-er, till death do us bark, so help you Cod?

Horse and Groom: We do.

Priest:

You may now kiss/lick/sniff the bridle (canine participants are requested to respect the awe and majesty of this service by refraining from the sniffing of bottoms and crotches).

What Cod has hound together let no clam put asunder, unless it, you know, becomes a bit of a drag.

I now pronounce you Man and Beast.

(Copyright, all rights reserved, Father Philip M.)

Posted by Lawrence Auster at June 27, 2008 09:14 PM | Send